Thursday, May 13, 2010

A spring day diatribe - raw

I guess you could go in a couple different ways, these days, the days of compromise and mediocrity. How I've heard enough from those that say "this is the best we can do" or "look at all the other unfortunate souls". Half of my time is spent thinking about Vermont and looking at the mechanisms in place to "govern" her and her people. The other half is spent with a deeper understanding that all the prancing and dancing and compromising and government this and politician that and speech and drivel and change and talk and elections and rights and fights are only and simply distractions keeping a true knowledge of ourselves and other possible ways to live together in the shadows.

What a world we live in today. So much beauty. So much fear.

So it is with my full awareness that I comment on the latest budget developements in Vermont as reported by the Burlington Free Press. I understand, even as I comment, that the whole mess is a distraction, albeit unintentional (which doesn't change it's nature) to the discovery of a new way, to the evolution that is unavoidable and best kept refreshed by the individual human spirit.

Did you see the picture on the Free Press website? Douglas and Shumlin certainly have no love lost for each other - but really what's to be expected in the halls where egos are stroked and crushed and stroked again, before anything. Like feral dogs underneath suits of fiber and a tie - I think they should just go at each other with knives, but they've probably forgotten that side of themselves.

Ohh the budget, ohh the safety net, what are we going to do, what are we going to do? It's so blatantly school yard (pre-school) to me to see these people jumping about and using the words they've been taught to exclaim their knowledge on what they've been taught. All animal children fighting to tighten the noose around their necks (and depending on your perspective around your neck as well) - the only problem with this is that these animal children have their own motive power, they have volition and ideas - not a good combination for peace, love and the human spirit.

Sometimes I wonder why I try to explain or exclaim myself in this format or others, why write at all, why write about my angst, frustration, joy - why express it at all. Well maybe not with Joy - Joy is more of a natural expression - it's natural state is to expand and expand whatever it touches. It's the fear and frustration that is withering, and I know this and yet I still feel the need to write about it when I see it (and I don't write about it most times). I think it's because I think it's necessary for my normal functioning as an individual because I love justice, because maybe there's one other person who would read this and it would be the straw that crushed their old expectations - perhaps it could do some good. But mostly it's because I wish for my thoughts to take the next step towards reality. I find it necessary to be the kid with the stone, my target the window, the glass wall that lies between our deepest understanding of ourselves and the way that we act in the world.

It's not so much that I am afraid of what these people who think themselves king and queens might do, have done or will continue to do. One of the brilliant things about being me is that I live a different life and for the most part I choose to separate myself from creating necessity, at least insofar as a group of people could somehow choose for me what is best and then force my compliance. I do not subscribe but at the same time I have the practical responsibility of living in this society so my choice then becomes what is best for me and, unless I was to be like them, what is best for the society that I live in. And so I go onward with words as my weapon, my defense, my security, my burden and my focus to shine my light on the corners in our society that are no longer dark - but live in full view, to the multitudes who scream and go insane for help and the answers.

What a challenge, what a life - others have spoken of it before, it is not new but the fantastical nature of watching a majority of people, of humans clamber for safety at the expense of their humanity...even more to watch the complete disconnection of individuals from any individuality of a person from his humanity, people willing to trade everything for a piece of something - as if somehow the piece of something, the compromise could ever be greater than the whole. And what is the whole? What is it that we are mostly all trading for - simply ourselves, our truth. We trade what we are for what we want. And the problem is most of us don't have an inkling of what it is we want. But just ask the ambitious - just ask the driven, the motivated - a very few will be able to tell you what they want and you will be able to see that they are true because their actions are consistent with their understanding but most all will tell you what they want and it will be clear that they are deceiving themselves and the clarity will be in the contradiction of their actions to their understanding. And this is the world we live in today - and even some that know this choose to only say, "but what is it we can do, we must compromise for safety, what other option could their be, we must get along" as if getting along and safety are and should be givens in life, should be human rights. And so we, as a society are most certainly lost. If you question this it is only because when an entire group or civilization is lost together it seems like everyone is found and so to think of being lost or even taking a different route - one that departs from the group, safe in it's lost-ness - is looked at to be crazy. The person who wishes to depart, who has somehow raised himself up by great effort, perhaps by climbing a massive tree or by living on the fringes of the group and taking reconnaissance when he can is considered the lost one. It makes perfect sense. But perfect sense doesn't matter these days because fear has taken over and animal instincts are dictating our actions. This does not bode well for the human race.

And this has turned into much more than I thought and I am grateful for it if only because it allowed me to view my river, to feel the water of myself running over my dry places, places I have ignored. And like green shoots through a heaving sidewalk, the concrete continues to be ruptured by the power of softness and life and truth. Yes for that I am grateful. And what of the Vermont budget, what of all the distraction in our lives...ask yourself what your life would look like if you watched no TV, didn't use the internet, stopped reading the paper or any books - just that AND don't judge the question. The question is not meant to be a suggestion on how one should live but simply a tool for understanding how much (without even thinking of it) we take ourselves away on our, at best, imagination and at worst on an auto-pilot of the imagination of others.

Vermont is perhaps one of the last chances to rekindle the American experiment, perhaps not and perhaps it's time to put the American experiment to bed. But if you see value in humanity than you must ask where humanity comes from and once you find that answer you can begin to piece together a rational theory of living and if you do that you will see just how destructive the idea of a budget to solve our problems truly is.

I wish you luck and my luck I give you!

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