Thursday, May 13, 2010


I am having an idea.


I have cleared away some of my fear and can see some gleaming things where before was gray. I want to think, I want to use thought as my tool, I don't want to work for the sake of having something I want to work as the product of my value, the effect of a desire to exert myself and my will. This life is worth much more to me than the conformation to a society, much more than rules and mores. But it's funny, this urge I have to then explain my last statement - as if the conformed part of me, the good student, bolts out of his seat, hands raised to be called upon to say to the teacher and the rest of the class that he knows, he knows the answer - he is the good one, just ask him, just call on him. And what is it that that young boy wants to say? He wants to explain, he wants to explain about rules and conformity, he wants to make it safe just as the thing that he is explaining about feigns to make people safe. And so I sit the boy back down in his chair and tell him how much I love him, how much I love his enthusiasm and his heart. I tell him I will always be with him and he with me and with this he seems quieted.

I've thought so much about what it is I want to do, do, do.

And I keep coming back to be, be, be.

And in the meantime I understand that communication is important and that expression is important, to me. And in a world where it's never been easier to express and to communicate there has never been a time where the two have been more opposed. We are adrift in a sea of expression, everyone is their own producer if they choose to be. So what's left for a person who wants to write, who wants to examine the subtleties of life and humanity and who wants to talk of the beauty and betrayal of the human spirit. Only everything!

And so with that and with a familiar sinking feeling, that I have always previously labled fear, pumping familiar in my chest, as well as with a relaxed sense of myself, I embark...

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