Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Stop Your Fucking Whining!

I believe what I see with my own eyes. That's how I do it now, my own eyes. What I can't believe is how many people don't want to see. It's not that I think they should or even want them to, it's more that I simply find it hard to accept that they don't. People don't want to see.


So why write then? Why take any action? I ask myself this, again and again and believe me, it's tempting to simply sit and watch and try my best not to participate anymore. I sometimes think that what's best is to wait, just wait...well not "just wait" but prepare as well; do my best to get out from underneath my debt, do my best to simplify my life, do my best to create flexibility and movement but don't participate. I have been participating in this grand hoax for all of my life, that's right, my whole, entire existence on earth. Of course I really didn't understand much from about 0 to 24 or so and then from 24 or so to around 35 it was mostly muddled feelings of confusion, anxiety and fear, which of course, I masked by working hard, creating problems and solving them. At around 35 I began to understand. By this time I'd been alive for enough time to, in spite of myself, develop some wisdom. I had the ability to look back on choices I'd made and choices others had made. I had the benefit of experience. Two things became clear to me:


The first was that many people and especially people in positions of power, didn't care about what I cared about. I fought this realization for a while, always being somewhat disgusted with the moral laziness of our country but thinking that someone, somewhere, would come along and change things. Of course the opposite has happened, each successive person in leadership positions has contributed to the moral laziness of our culture and our country. Proof? Look around. What are you doing tonight.


The second was that we have squandered what we have been given. We, Americans, have squandered the greatest, most noble gift ever given to humanity. The people that came to America were escaping from another place. They didn't come because they thought a nice three month journey on a wooded boat across an unknown sea was their idea of adventure. They came because they were escaping. And guess what, they did escape, but not for long. For those few that have actually read the words of the Constitution and Bill of Rights and who have even limited knowledge of the reasons behind their writings there is an understanding and a certain disgust at where we've come. To those many who are indignant about any criticism about "America or Americans", well this isn't for you anyway.


And now my favorite question, the one that takes up most of my mental energy: What do I do? What do we do? What is the appropriate response to the effects we see all around us today? The only answer I come up with, and even this has taken a while, is that, if you care to, you must find your voice. Anyone who cares to must find their voice in their own way and scream out in their own way. I don't even know if it will help our "cause" but I do know that it can't hurt and I do know that it will help the owner of that voice. I actually think it will help and will help humanity very much but you really never actually know anything do you.


And this is my voice. This is me and I need to scream it out and I need to figure out how to scream it out because if I don't figure out how to scream it out it may just begin to corrode my soft insides with it's hard edges and pointed anger.


I can only hope that there is youth reading this, youth in the true spirit of the word, not measured by age but by spirit. The adults of each generation have killed it, made it worse for the generations to follow. They may have known or they may not have, it doesn't matter, each generation before has laid the table for the next and as I sit here ready to pass into the older generation I can no longer be silent...or at least that's what I tell myself, so far I have done nothing to cause a clamor, nothing at all. I have not been the example I want to be. Youth. Youth. Don't trust the adults, not as far as you can throw them...they are scared of you and scared of themselves. They will act with fear as their motivator as they have been for ages. If you can, find the few that stand up to fear and continue through it, find the ones that haven't given up, the ones that don't take the safe road, use those adults as the guides in your life if it's a guide you need. Otherwise - find your voice and sing in loudly and in complete disrespect of any tradition, style, trend or authority. Those words have no meaning in the truth of life and they will only serve to bind you.


So as I begin to ramble maybe this is what I need to do because ramble is what it feels like and anger wells up in my stomach and begins to shoot, like lightening, like a building tornado out to my fingers and motivates their dance, pounding dance across the keys. What do I do? What do I do!

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