Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I "i" wonder

the light is no longer on
at the top of the stairs.
it was a soft, warm glow
always
and for me
with me in mind

to think of it extinguished,
the child comes out in me.
to think of it extinguished
means to me all the things
i have wanted it to mean
but have been to terrified to ask
and yet
have asked for
in so many ways
so many times
again and again.

I feel the truth
and the truth feels like the sea
dark
cold
immense
never ending
deep

my knowlege
like nothing
but one thing...

one thing
she is
and has always been
too good for me
and I have only been able
to trick her
for so long

and now,
she is gone
like I always knew
and always wanted.

and I live here
with my memories
and only
only
can ever hope
that she may find
me
again
in
her
heart.

but I imagine a female heart
strong
not subtle
not prone to the past
once past
and I WONDER...

what if she never thinks of me again.
what if I have lost the one true thing
what if I have lost the best thing

i WONDER...
how I could survive
I
i
"I"
"i"

and what I want to do...
now...
in this minute...
is hold her
and tell her I love her
i love her

but how

how can I i do that
when that is what I have "i" have always done

she is a bright light in my mind
has always been
and I i try my best to extinguish that light
I i try to extinguish that light
and i know that
and still
i try.

who is this women
who is this woman

and why do i destroy her

and what does it mean to succeed

i want to go to her
i want to go to her

now that she has taken my comfort from me
i want to go to her to get it back

familiar - sick
familiar - sick

only like a child
only like a child

i see my end
and i don't know how
but
I know nothing ends
I know I must survive
I will survive
and I will miss what I always thought I was
and no light can ever shine on me
but only from me
and
if one day
i recognize that
I will be ok.

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