Thursday, August 7, 2008

You have GOT to try the fear...it's delicious

This is my burn. No excuses. Why would I want to hide? I have been hiding all my life and when I hide, I can't smell the flowers...at least not most times. What I write here is not who I am. What I write here is how I feel. Like the petals of a flower, some broken and eaten through and rotted...they eventually fall off to fertilize the ground below, and some...some perfect, like the curve of a woman or the strand of her hair in the morning. The flower blooms and dies and returns to the earth. The flower rots and feeds the earth and grows and blooms and smells sweet and feeds the soul.

Rot is just a word, like every "word" typed...is just a "word". We funny humans give the words meaning to us, and only us.

I saw the most beautiful child today...the kind of beauty that makes you forget yourself and then makes you remember who you are. I was in a room full of morons, soldiers without cause, bureaucrats, gentiles and honest , confused men. And the tiny child, sat, glowing to me...and I forgot myself and smiled and then remembered who I was.

Early in the day I heard a group of people, parents, maybe some friends and a few kids - walking by me, unconcerned, as they must be, about me...but talking amongst themselves as the kids pushed the limits, as they must. But the father said something that terrified me. Although I had heard it a million times before...He said, in reference to what i can only assume (I wasn't watching them, only listening) was his child running and darting in a way that was uncomfortable to him...He said "he (the child) has no fear...he just has NO fear". It was said in a way that immediately gave me pause, as well as a touch of nausea. Not because of what he said, I understood that part shortly...but because of how he said it. He said it like it was the worst thing in his world. Like his kid having no fear was the worst thing he could experience. And he said it like he meant to beat that fear into that kid (not physically - but it doesn't have to be physically) no matter what it took. Like the kid should know better. He said it like he was a connoisseur and fear was a rare wine he had been lucky enough to find. He said it like he cherished fear. He said it like having no fear was the worst possible outcome.

And I stopped what i was doing - and not too many things, outside a beautiful girl, can stop me from what I am doing but I stopped and processed. He said that his child "had no fear" like he would say his child "had no pants to wear to church". Like he needed to get his child some fear, some good ole fear.

And I though to myself - what the fuck.

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