Wednesday, August 13, 2008

unitl soon

I wasn't going to write - because I think, and I still do think, that it helps me hide - it gives me an excuse not to interact - it allows me to be only with myself...I am my audience...

But on the eve before i set out i have a strong feeling of wanting to document my state.

I am nervous building up to excited. The weight of my upcoming trek is sinking in as i prepare. I have guessed on 8-9 days to travel about 80 miles give or take - carrying everything I will need and resupplying on the way.

i am doing this trip like i do everything else in my life - quickly and intensely - in fact it is something I have been without for sometime...the intensity and quickness. The feeling of...i am doing it, nothing is going to stop me, don't tell me a thing - i don't want to hear it - I will figure it out for myself - and then as I begin to figure it...i get squirrely in my stomach -

thinking if I have the right to leave - funny - like work can't live without me -like i am neglecting my responsibility somehow - and i just may be too...but when you live a life denying responsibility and avoiding it and neglecting it - it is a strange thing to then stand up and do something that means a lot to you - to me.

That's what I am doing and the more I think about it, the happier I get. realizing that i may not be the best at my business, i may not be doing ALL i can do to succeed in my business but also realizing that there can be nothing but magic that comes from taking this type of trip.

i have no idea if i can do it. I feel like i can but as always i second guess and doubt and why shouldn't i. The scope of the trip is enormous, especially for someone who really hasn't done something like this - 8 days in the mountains - 10-12 miles per day with a big pack...who the fuck knows - but I sho nuff and gonna get out there and try it...

I feel it calling me - as much as my concrete and steel innerds are trying to hold me back , as much as the fences of my mind are being erected even as i write - i am like jello, slipping through the chain links of my fear - to the other side...

no drama - nothing more to be said - it's 9:30. I have prepared my itenerary to the best of my knowlege- i know my goals, i know where I will stop to re-supply and check in, i have researched it. I am going now to pack my bag...

until soon

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