Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Jacob sat - cold with dried sweat from the night. He didn't know if it was his metabolism, kicking in as it sometimes does or the crushingly beautiful girl he met from out of the blue. Maybe it was both, he thought...maybe the second led to the first. Either way - it didn't matter. He was home, having literally run from his barstool in terror - such a man. Completely at the mercy of her physical affliction...
Funny -
he thought - he talks to leaders...he talks to plenty of beautiful girls - plenty ( and sometimes to her) but this girl, the one he saw tonight, for the first time in months - unexpected...like...like...well, like seeing a beautiful girl who gives you a hug the first time she sees you. Like seeing something you covet - come to you. Like seeing something that makes you want to push a button, a single button, that would eliminate the noise around you and all distraction...so you could only see this girl, and hear her, and allow her to be at ease - and to lay back, relax...one button was all I asked for tonight - Jacob thought -

He had driven home as fast as his bike would drive him - only three beers into it, it wasn't the beers that had him funny - 110 miles and hour down Stannards Hill - screaming wind, no face mask; he had wanted to go fast - to outrun the confusion he creates, whenever this girl is around. He wants to sit with her, be with her, talk to her. He wants to hear about her youthful stories - he wants to teach her. He wants her to know that she explodes his world and he can't understand it.

Jacob is the type of guy who needs to understand things. He's the type of guy who does understand most things, in fact better than most, most everyone. He understands quicker and more thoroughly...people confuse it with arrogance or rudeness. When really - it's mostly just a mirror. Jacob is a guy who needs to understand - and what this girl does to him...he doesn't understand.

She was the type of girl who made him stop and go back - when he first saw her...in the window. She was unaware - unaware of everything - but mostly unaware of what her beauty caused in him. It was the begining of a reaction that couldn't be stopped and that hadn't been felt - hadn't been felt, in a long time...years...and years is a long time...

Jacob pondered this girl - as he flew - bike shaking, wind ripping...the road approaches faster than most humans will ever experience going 100 mph on a country road at night - the only real worry Jacob had was cops - not the approaching Maine road hairpin turn at 105 - the fucking cops - what a drag...but not even a drag anymore, he thought - more of a serious fucking burden...cops that are actaully out to put you in Jail - to tase you or confiscate your ride, your money - your weed...these fucking cops - he thought - and then - fuck it - he said, their not all bad - but the ones that would pull me over for doing triple digits in a 40 might be a pain in the ass...and that's no good - it's no good when you are trying to race a woman out of your system, so fast, so violently that you open your bike up, full throttle, engine screaming 7500 rpms shaking on small town roads - when you are trying to race a girl out of your system because you have no idea how she got there in the first place, because you are so afraid of possible rejection and because you are to christly cowardly to even risk rejection because you turn into a complete moron -...

ahhhhhh - Jacob thought - I want her too much...

that was the unfamiliar feeling he was having. He wanted her too much...FUCK - it hit him...

he wanted her too much - he wanted her too much.

Jacob Stannard did not want a lot of things.

But he wanted this girl, he wanted this girl alone and naked and laughing and easy - he wanted her vulnerable, he wanted her clinging closely to him...he wanted to own her, he wanted dominion over her...

but he couldn't even say hello -
he couldn't follow up - and for the most part - he was great - fan-fucking-tastic - at following up with women...

Girls had actually talked, yes, spoken to one another, aloud, about Jacob Stannard being in the wet panty club -

some girl had joked about it originally - something silly and half drunk -

this guy makes me so hot, i get wet just looking at him - she giggled, her girlfriends giggled - but somehow it evolved, and that's what these girls thought of him. He cared. He cared terribly about it but he was also able to enjoy their beauty enough that what came out of their mouths was silent to him anyway -

but not this girl - not this girl -

let me tell you about her -

think gazelle - and you will understand her body structure and gait
think child - and you will understand her nature
think bond girl, the best you've seen - and you will understand her potential for sex
think devastation - and you will understand her attitude

she is a super model - she is a child - her looks have stolen her youth and she fights them all she can...despising herself even as she cannot be denied her own beauty and what it means in the world. Trying to hard to be regular but wanting so bad to be a star and looking outward to achieve that stardom, the easy way.

No, Jacob thought...I don't think she realizes it.

But he realized her tonight...he thought...and like a thwarted child, who has the intelligence to back away - he regressed and he ran...

She is in his life - he thinks - she came into it when he saw her through the window - she came closer when they worked together and closer still, a bit, through common communication...she had come and gone over the last few years, but had always come back...and he felt it wasn't as if he even had to do anything...she would come around again - and maybe it was just enough for him...

after all, Stannard thought, what is he gonna do...marry the girl? Grow some balls and take her home and fuck her? Have long talks with her under the tree of life?

What the fuck?!
he thought.

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